insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results

I had this friend once. we will call him TM. TM and I where very good friends, but one thing lead to another and our friendship crossed the line. After that things where never the same. We did everything to get it back to the way it use to be and it was not possible. This caused us both a great deal of pain and one day, I asked TM why we couldn't start over again and he said " do you know what the definition of insanity is Angela? Doing the same behavior over and over and excpecting different results." I never spoke to him again and since then I have been on a journey of a life time.

I changed my life from the inside out. Yes, at times I may seem insane and that is because I am truly having an inner struggle with the light and darkness. I lived in darkness for so long that I had no idea how to live in the light. I struggle with the emotions of losing my old self, with the emotions of plain just not knowing what to do, I also will ignore my inner voice, because I would rather not feel a feeling or get hurt or be rejected or be ALONE dadada.....what i realize is that I struggle with what is good for me and bad for me. Then I have to get miserable and want a certain thing to stop. That is right where I am in my life.


I'm searching for a enlighten self. The one that seeks to improve the person that I am. I can so longer tolerate sadness, unhappiness, depression, anxiety and being overwhelmed. I don't believe in medication. I'm not saying people shouldn't take med, because in certain cases they may be needed, but not in my case. I just have things I need to deal with. which is this huge one, which is the need to be wanted, the need for attention , and the need to feel love.

With online dating I lost track of myself. I have let all the guys finding me pretty and interesting go straight to my head. I don't want any of those guys, I just don't want to be alone. It's been so long since I've even gone a week without talking to a guy. I think because I'm not having sex with them and taking gifts that I am not hurting anyone, but I know this is not true. I can't lead guys on anymore, I can't make them think there  is a little bit of hope. I just need to stop using guys to fill my void. It's no good!! No good at all!! I just get my little ego boost and then bored. So damn bored. I mean come one  guys give me a run for my money. Like me, but don't fall in love in the middle of the 1st date or before I even meet you in person. It makes me kind of want to throw-up in my mouth a little bit.

The other day I had dinner with a guy who this on a napkin.... his name+my name = <3. I was like what the fuck. He even told me he was looking for a wife. I almost got up and ran away, but get this. I am so lonely that I'm like maybe I can make this work. I let him kiss me and then I cant get away fast enough. I'm grossed out and he thinks I'm everything he has been looking for and I think he is mistaken. I don't understand. Don't people feel there is no spark coming from me. I know they have to know, but I guess it is a guy and they can just have sex with no feeling. I mean not to say i can't have sex with no feeling attached, because I do that also. I just don't like to. I want to stop wasting my energy on guys I have no feelings for. I want to stop dating guys that are not my type. I have a type, yes I do. I just realized this actually, because I have been dating so many different types I know just the man I am looking. I actually know the man I am going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I have big hopes and dreams.

I am no longer desperate to be in love, I am no longer desperate to be in a relationship and I am also no longer forcing myself to feel something I don't. I'm done thinking that I have settle and in the mean time I have to keep dating, I think NOT. I use to think I need a relationship also because people would say " why don't you have a boyfriend? you are so beautiful and have so much going for you" " I want to reply, well because I haven't find the guy I want to spend my life with yet or even a guy that I want to spend more then 30 mins with." Give me a break who the fuck say a relationship defines who we are as a person. Back the fuck up lady, I want to be single. If I said this someone would think I was Crazy. Jeez people like the crazy word!!