I eat my feelings

I've been fat my whole life, well I may have been skinny for a split second here and there thur out
my life. I think that was until I found food to solve my problems and then drugs to solve the problem of being fat. Losing weight is about so much more then heading to the gym and changing my eating patterns. Being fat is my safety zone, it keeps my heart safe and I also get to use food and alcohol to deal with my problems. It's digusing I know, but at times I need an to escape. Food and alcohol have fond memories for me. Alcohol has taken a turn for the worse at times and that is why  I think I am very careful with how I consume it. Food and I have a love hate relationship, I have literally gone weeks with out eating and I have also consumed more calories in one day then I should eat in a week. It makes no sense to me, but I've came to a place in my life where I am ready to lose these extra pound, but I know it means I have to deal with some serious issues.

I'm writing this blog, because I watched my friend Brandy be open and honest about her weight loss. She had the world to keep her accountable and gain support. So i jumped on the band wagon and started a blog. Being overweight is holding me back from accomplishing my goals. I think it's because my whole life I've been told that the only way to love and success to be skinny, but at the same time I was hearing that I was worth nothing and I would never be anything. If it wasn't for my Aunt and Grandmother I would of never believed in myself. I lived in chaos my whole life, a chaos that can only be explained unless you walk in it and here that doesn't matter. What matters is that I start to love myself. I have had so much self hate my whole life that I let the negative thoughts consume me. I don't live filled with negativity, I live in love and light.

This past week I have learned that when I am alone I obsess that people are looking at my fat arms, my fat tights, my fat belly, my fat face, and thinking that lady need to go on a diet. I'm in the middle on the practicing  spending time alone, but when I am eating alone I think people are thinking "That fat girl need to put that food down and take a walk". I've been online dating, but all I get is these creeps. I finally meet a nice guy and I push him away, because to be honest I think any guy can do better then some fat poor girl, He'll most likely find someone skinnier and that makes more money. I feel like being thin is what makes a women beautiful. To be 100 percent honest, I don't think fat is pretty. I am grossed out by myself. I have become so consumed with the way I look, but here is the caught instead of changing my behavior in a healthy way I stuff my face full of food or get as drunk as possible.

Being overweight helps hide all my issues. I hate being alone, but I'm alone, because I keep telling myself no man wants a fat girl. I feel unloved, ugly, fat, and as if I'm meant to be alone, because any smart man would want a skinny girlfriend. Being overweight keeps me from running with my son, playing football  and soccer. I won't go to dance class, zumba, or the gym, because I think people are thinking " What is the fat girl doing here" "I'm glad I don't look like her". It's terrible that I dislike myself, because I'm fat.

I'm going to lose weight for a number of reason
1. I want to be healthy
2. I want to love my body
3. I want to play for hours with my son.
4. I love fashion and I want to wear beautiful clothing
5. I want to sing and I won't stand in front of people, because I feel too fat
6. I want a healthy relationship with a man
7. I want to run and take Hot yoga

In 1 week I am going to be 29 and By the time I am 30 I going to love myself. I am not going to spend another 20 years hating who and what I am. I am going to accomplish my dreams and love the women that I am. I really have no idea how to jump start my weight loss, but I figured why not start just like this. My goal this week is to weight myself and to drink more water. Once I weight myself I will post it up here. With a recent picture of myself and I'll talk about what step I'm willing to take next!!