insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results

I had this friend once. we will call him TM. TM and I where very good friends, but one thing lead to another and our friendship crossed the line. After that things where never the same. We did everything to get it back to the way it use to be and it was not possible. This caused us both a great deal of pain and one day, I asked TM why we couldn't start over again and he said " do you know what the definition of insanity is Angela? Doing the same behavior over and over and excpecting different results." I never spoke to him again and since then I have been on a journey of a life time.

I changed my life from the inside out. Yes, at times I may seem insane and that is because I am truly having an inner struggle with the light and darkness. I lived in darkness for so long that I had no idea how to live in the light. I struggle with the emotions of losing my old self, with the emotions of plain just not knowing what to do, I also will ignore my inner voice, because I would rather not feel a feeling or get hurt or be rejected or be ALONE dadada.....what i realize is that I struggle with what is good for me and bad for me. Then I have to get miserable and want a certain thing to stop. That is right where I am in my life.


I'm searching for a enlighten self. The one that seeks to improve the person that I am. I can so longer tolerate sadness, unhappiness, depression, anxiety and being overwhelmed. I don't believe in medication. I'm not saying people shouldn't take med, because in certain cases they may be needed, but not in my case. I just have things I need to deal with. which is this huge one, which is the need to be wanted, the need for attention , and the need to feel love.

With online dating I lost track of myself. I have let all the guys finding me pretty and interesting go straight to my head. I don't want any of those guys, I just don't want to be alone. It's been so long since I've even gone a week without talking to a guy. I think because I'm not having sex with them and taking gifts that I am not hurting anyone, but I know this is not true. I can't lead guys on anymore, I can't make them think there  is a little bit of hope. I just need to stop using guys to fill my void. It's no good!! No good at all!! I just get my little ego boost and then bored. So damn bored. I mean come one  guys give me a run for my money. Like me, but don't fall in love in the middle of the 1st date or before I even meet you in person. It makes me kind of want to throw-up in my mouth a little bit.

The other day I had dinner with a guy who this on a napkin.... his name+my name = <3. I was like what the fuck. He even told me he was looking for a wife. I almost got up and ran away, but get this. I am so lonely that I'm like maybe I can make this work. I let him kiss me and then I cant get away fast enough. I'm grossed out and he thinks I'm everything he has been looking for and I think he is mistaken. I don't understand. Don't people feel there is no spark coming from me. I know they have to know, but I guess it is a guy and they can just have sex with no feeling. I mean not to say i can't have sex with no feeling attached, because I do that also. I just don't like to. I want to stop wasting my energy on guys I have no feelings for. I want to stop dating guys that are not my type. I have a type, yes I do. I just realized this actually, because I have been dating so many different types I know just the man I am looking. I actually know the man I am going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I have big hopes and dreams.

I am no longer desperate to be in love, I am no longer desperate to be in a relationship and I am also no longer forcing myself to feel something I don't. I'm done thinking that I have settle and in the mean time I have to keep dating, I think NOT. I use to think I need a relationship also because people would say " why don't you have a boyfriend? you are so beautiful and have so much going for you" " I want to reply, well because I haven't find the guy I want to spend my life with yet or even a guy that I want to spend more then 30 mins with." Give me a break who the fuck say a relationship defines who we are as a person. Back the fuck up lady, I want to be single. If I said this someone would think I was Crazy. Jeez people like the crazy word!!

My beautiful Resuce is not a man it's my soul!!

Good Morning my lovely followers. I haven't been blogging that much, due to the fact that it's been the holiday seasons and I've been way busy and full of fear. Yes, fear my life since I was given my job at the wayward cafe has been fear driven. I don't allow my self to have faith. On this journey to be beautiful, I'm learning that getting skinny isn't the answer to all my problems. I have some issues that are keeping me stuck and I am finally willing to address them.

My biggest FEAR is being alone, because alone as a child for me was a painful experience. It meant spending endless hours alone In my room, where no one spoke to me unless I was being called names, lazy, fat, stupid, and I felt like a monster. I grew-up thinking I was meant to be alone and that followed me Thur life. When I was divorced the last thing my ex-husband said was "you just lost the real love of your life and now you will be cursed with being alone for the rest of your life" I have believed that for years. I have been lost in the fact that being alone meant, being without a man that I've been searching for Love and when it finally fell right in my lap, I lost it because I have a different idea of what being in a relationship means. Also I just keep telling myself I am alone, even when there are tons of people who love and care about me. I have so many wonderful people in my life and I have had so many wonderful people in my life. All who have made it possible for me to be surround in love and light!!

I'm ready too rid myself of this fear on being alone and have faith that I will meet a man that truly loves and cares about me. Until then  I will follow my dreams,listen to my heart and do just what God made me for. I was put on earth to love my son, myself and the people that live on earth along with me. I am turning my focus to what is most important and making my goals.

1. Heal from the inside out. This means dealing with my pain and also loving myself.
        A. Do the 21 day cleanse of my mind body and soul
        B. Get a gym membership, yoga membership
        C. buy a bike, go to the batting cages, take walks all over the city
2.Get a job as working at a coffeehouse full time 36-40 hours, as the lead barista, making good money plus tips and also a personal shoppers position.
                 A. Edit resume and Cover letter and post an ad for a personal shopper
                 B. Look on line for jobs, check out different coffee shops in the city and drop off resume and look for retail job that need personal shoppers
                 C. look for the right clothes for job interviews
3. Get a place so that Hunter can have his own room, backyard, and a dog to play with
                 A. save money( which means to extras, just focusing on working, taking care of my physical self and spending time with Hunter)
                 B. look for help I can get to move into a place'
                 C. file paper to get Hunter home
                 D. look for places

I am not giving up on following my dreams. I am going to achieve all of the goals I have listed. I am truly taking the next 3 months and doing the work I need to and focus on this Goals!! I will do just what I say I am going to do. I am also going to make a vow here, before all of you that I am going to stop online dating. To some of you this may seem funny, but I am addicted to online dating. I like the feeling of having a guy there to make me feel important, but I really need to be doing is focusing on a positive life for my son and I! I want to be able to be comfortable without looking for someone as my boyfriend. Just saying it makes me sounds like a jerk. I just need this time to walk Thur life comfortable enough in my own skin.

Being skinny isn't the answer to my happiness, the answer to my happiness does mean loving myself. I'm not saying I'm not going to work out and that I am not going to take care of myself. I am just not making my main focus losing weight. I am making my main focus loving myself and to live in faith!! To fill myself up with Love and light and to change my life one baby step at a time. I am going to start trusting myself and knowing that when I hear that voice inside me that I need to follow Thur and not give up. I can meet all of my goals and I will be doing just that!!

Love is what makes me fat!!!

God gave me the gift of awareness and at time it doesn't just help me, but also means that I have to deal with big issues. I need to feel big feelings and  the negative of this is that when the feelings hit they hit hard and when they do hit it means I deal with them or I'll fall behind. This mean I over eat, drink, smoke to much, have random sex or wish I no longer existed. I don't choose to let these things be a way to deal with my problems. I choose to deal with these problem full force. I learned this week that love is the root to why I am truly unhappy and it is the issues at hand that is holding me back. It is the reason why my heart  feels like it is bleeding out. I have a sick relationship with Love and I think it's because I feel like love is different then what it really is.

This is a long journey that I have been on and a it started 3 years ago, with my first trip to rehab. I had to get to sober to deal with my feelings. I had to get sober to get rid of my resentments and to forgive. I had to let go of all the issues that I had self made so that I could deal with the issues that where childhood made. My heart has been broken since I was a little child. I was small and the first time I wanted to die I was a tiny little girl. I felt alone since I was brought into this world and I have spent the last 29 years feeling like there was no where that I belonged. I feel alone, lost, like I can barely make it. My heart feels like a huge brick and the each day I walk this earth I feel like I'm going to exploded. I am hurting alot right now. I have no idea how to feel better. Unless I use something terrible to fill my body, because well I am hurting inside.

The only love I have ever known was the one that my mother and father taught me and that is scary. The sick thing is when people show me really love and  feel like I don't deserve it and I try to ruin it. I find reason to not allow it and I push. I push hard to make them go away, because I feel less then and to be honest. I am unhappy. Every time I deal with an issue I feel so much, better i feel full and I feel much healthier. Right now tho I am stuck. I feel like I can't move forward. I feel fat, uneducated, worthless and like I am all alone and no one will ever love me. I hate the way I feel and the only way I know how to deal with these feelings is food, alcohol, drugs, sex and cigarettes.

I'm sad, i feel unloved and alone. I'm lost and confused and I want to deal with it finally. I don't need meds what i need to know is why?? why my parents gave birth to me to treat me like crap. To call me fat, ugly, stupid, pic at all my faults and then tell me if I was perfect someone would love me. I can't tell you how many times I heard my mother tell me, That guy is out of your reach or how I was to fat to try certain sports or wear certain clothes. How she would stand there and listen to my father tell me how I was a waste of space and life and that no one would ever love me. If I would tell him a guy liked me he would make fun of me and say ya right! He even told me once when I OD on drugs as he was driving me to the hospital, that if it wasn't for my mother he would let me die. He wished me dead, he told me I wasn't his child and he also hit me and hurt me in so many other ways. My mother knew and did nothing. she never once believed me, but did she have to believe me. She watched it happen so many times. I hate them both for the way they treated me and yet to this day I still wonder what is wrong with me. Why don't they love me, but worship my brother and sister.

I think the thing that hurts the most is that they have there happen happy family now, because I am no longer apart of it. My mother tell me every time I talk to her that she is glad I am gone and she will never love me the way she once did. all because she feels like, because I told my son away from her and her fucked up husband I am a terrible person. I deserve a family. I deserve people that love me or do I??

I live this cycle of love Thur friendships and dating. I have wonderful friends I really do. I have so many people in my life who love me just as I am. Even Thu all the times I am learning to be a person. I know people think I am crazy and I am a bit. I am trying to live a positive life. I was never taught positive.I lived in a world of violence and abuse, alcohol abuse, hurt and pain. No one tryed to save me. Not one single person except once CPS came, but I was told to lie and I did. I don't want to lie anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to feel like I am alone anymore. I really would like to trust and let people that love me into my life. I am not wasting anymore time looking for someone to love me. I don't want to waste anymore time with guys that don't give a shit about me. I want to stop putting up wall of pain to keep people out. Tonight as I lay here I ask God to pop my bubble and please allowed people into love me. I want to love and care for others and myself. I also want to allowed people into my life  to love and care about me. I do not want to be the lonely scared little girl anymore. I want to be free from the past and my childhood. I deserve to let all this sadness go and just deal with the pain within my heart. I want to let it go and be free from the hurt that is holding me back. I need freedom from all the hurt and the pain. I need to be free from the sadness in my heart and soul. I need to be free from the hurt and pain and realize that I deserve some happiness.

When I was a kid instead of dealing with my feelings I would eat them. I would hide in my room and eat and eat and eat. when I found drugs I would use drugs. Now I have alcohol and that is my saving grace!! I want to escape from the feelings and I know the worse why I can deal with the feelings. I am spending the next 3 month to changing the pain, to find different ways to deal with the hurt and healthy ways and also I am going to love myself. I am finally going to love myself, so tat way I can find someone who can truly love me and I can allow the people around me who want to love me love me. I no longer need to let the pain from my childhood hold me back and also I am not alone. I need to stop feeling like I am all alone and no one loves me, because I know this is not true. I am loved. People love me. I have so much love, from so many people and I am going to spend the next 3 months spreading love to others and loving myself and allowing myself to be loved!! I am cleansing my body, mind, and soul and starting 100 percent brand new!! Hello new Angela, good bye past.....Today I forgive my parents. I forgive them for not knowing how to be different people then they are. For not knowing now to love me and for not knowing how to change. I hope that one day God can guide them to some peace and happiness and until then I no longer choose to have them in my life. I will not have my mother and father in my life because they are unhealthy for me and for the past 28 years of my life I was hit, abused mentally and emotionally and I don't care what they think I do not deserve that. I deserve a good life. A child has no control and a child needs to be cared for and loved. A child need to be free and able to feel true love and care. I can't get that from from childhood, but I am allowed that now and I can give that to my son. I am finally free from the abuse and control and so is my son. We are now allowed to heal and become the people we wish and for the rest of mine life I will find forgiveness for all the people in My parents family, I am free and I am able to be anyone I want to be. I ask today from the bottom of my soul that I am finally free from the pain in my heart and soul. I don't want to love guys like Alex anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore and I need to be free. It's a need!! I will never deal with any of this again and I will be happy. I will finally find peace that is in my soul!! I need to find peace. I have to have peace, because it is controlling my whole life. I just can't handle the thought of always feeling like I am alone!!

Dating men is my self-esstem boost

My relationships with men has transformed  in  so many different stages. It has also taken so many different forms, all with the same goal in mind.  To be perfectly honest I want to fall in love, and start a family. I want to meet the right guy for me, which means I am the right girl for him.

Love has everything to do with weight loss trust me. It's a little bit of the reason why I am on this little journey to weight loss. I'm not saying  I can't get a date, because this is not the case at all. I'm just not finding what I am looking for and I think this is because I am looking for perfect and someone to fall head over in love with me right away, but I do have standards these days. I say this, because if anyone knew me when I first started dating I usually only went out with a guy if he was hot there was no other need base. Just super-hot, so needless to say I dated jobless, drug addicts, who lived with their Mom and had even, drove her car. As long as you were hot, which helps boost my self-esteem. I date super good looking guys for just that reason. So that no matter how  fat and ugly I think I am, If I have a hot dude in my life I feel beautiful. It's that attitude of if I can get this guy I must be hot.

I didn't date in high school. I had a lot of crushes. I also was overweight and uncomfortable in my skin. My first serious relationship was with my son's Dad and that was a very unhealthy relationship. I moved on to a relationship of obsession with a guy I liked. Then I got into another relationship which was  filled with drugs, alcohol and anger. So I was in a relationship with really no breaks, each of these relationships where piggy backed off of each other. I started my first relationship in 2001 and ended the last relationship in 2009. That is 8 years of my life in a relationship. During this time I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. I depended on all these men to full fill my need, emotional, physical, financially, and also I had them make choices for me. I even made friends that made choices for me.

After the last relationship I had I made the choice to be Single and sexless and focus on myself. I followed thru with this and focused on myself and did some deep internal work. I did this a couple times, except the second round was no sex, but I dated the second time. This taught me even more about myself. Now I date, I don't just date 1 guy at a time. I date 2, 3, 4, 5, guys at one time.

I started online dating months ago and I have learned so much about myself. These are the things the learned about me. I'm beautiful, fun to be around, driven to be the best person I can be, hardworking, witty, smart, brilliant and amazing. I am lucky to have turned out to be the women I am, because I could have turned out to be far worse. I have had to learn to be the person I am today. I have had so many wonderful people walk into my life and guide me. I had no choice, but to learn. I have no choice, but to be the best possible person I can be and love and forgive people. Yes, I drink too much, eat too much and date a lot of men, but those are the tools I have learned to make myself feel good!

Dating is also now starting to take a different turn. It use to make me feel good when men were sexually attracted to me. I enjoyed the feeling of being wanted, but now I am getting bored with it. Knowing that I can have sex with pretty much every guy that asks me on a date makes me want to save it for someone special. Yes, of course I want to have sex. I love sex, but I would rather enjoy it with a man I love. The truth in dating is this, all guys want to have sex, but if I keep saying no sex it shows me which one actually want to spend time getting to know me as a person. Then comes the fun part seeing if the guy has what I am looking for and I have learned so much from dating, I know what I am looking for I have a person I am looking for imprinted in my mind now I am just wanting for him to come.

The main issue that is holding me back from getting what I want is me. I am holding myself, back from the guy I want, because I don't think I deserve a good guy. I think I am too fat and if he finds a girl skinner then me. I am getting replaced!! Also a girl that drives a nicer car, lives in a nicer apartment, has a better job and is better looking than. I feel like all men these days care about are martial passions, money and trophy wife. I am looking for something so much different. Trust me I have a 6 page list!! I'm not joking, it's pretty crazy.

I just have 4 very important rules:

1. No abuse what so ever..Never..I mean it  and if a guy ever talks down to me he is gone. I actually really have to remind myself of this rule when a guy comes back and is all sweet and loving, because that is really hard for me. I have let a guy I dated recently crossed this line, because he told me he loved me. I can tell you this though, I'm not letting it happen anymore.

2. I do not pay for men, unless we are in a relationship or friends or we have been trading off on dates. I do not buy man’s love and they also do not have to buy mine.

3. I am allowed to say no to sex. Even if it's in the middle of a hot and heavy make-out, if we are dating, if we had it before, and even if i said I wanted to do it. I am allowed to change my mind and so is he.

 4. He can not have been to prison( unless he changed his life, I have seen this happen), He can not be a drug dealer, on drugs or commit crimes.

I have these rules because I believe with my whole heart that a healthy relationship, does not allow these behaviors. Also cheating is a big No No. I don't think its ok, once the choice has been made then it's out of respect for the other person to not wonder. Again this is my belief. I have no judgment on others, because I believe we are all learning.

Since this summer I have been dating and the more dating I do I realize just what I am looking for. I really don't need to do anymore research. I also know that I can stop looking now, because when the right guy comes along I'll know. I'm pretty sure. I'm actually pretty sure I already know who the guy is that I am going to be with. I just need to let time and me working on these huge leaps to work out and in due time life will all work it's self out. I am really happy to be me and I know that I just need to focus on the things that are holding me back!! I am so excited to see where life is going to take me, but I am also afraid I am going to fail. I feel like I am always going to be struggling with money and what I want to do with my life. I feel like I am always going to be struggling with my drinking and weight loss!! I feel lost about these things right now and that is why I am writing this blog I guess. I am sure all the answer will come in due time. I am giving myself a year to focus on these issues!! It'll all work out; I have great people and God behind me. I am one lucky Woman!!

Alcohol consumes my life

I had a rough weekend. It was a painful eye opener. I have let alcohol consume my life once again. I know to some people it may not seem that way, but they don't live inside of me. This greatly effected my weight loss journey and also effect my life. To be honest Seattle is very lonely for me. Not just because I moved here with no one, but because I deal with a inner demon that the people around me don't understand. I think about alcohol all the time. I want to drink everyday and if I could get away with it I would. I control my drinking, but there comes a point that when I consume it, I can't stop drinking. This effect everything from my mood, what I eat, how may cigarettes I smoke, how much coffee I drink and how much sugar I consume. Alcohol seems to make all my problems fade away until I'm sitting passed out on a street corner or chocking on my own puke. I know it's effecting my life when  I tell my son I will do something and I don't follow Thur. I know it consumes me when I am lying to people around me. When I am sick for 3 day in a row.

The real reason I don't drink during the week is because I can't get drunk, because I won't stop drinking and then I'll call sick into work. I'll take days off to drink. I'll be homeless on the streets. I am scared where I am headed. I know that before I even really focus on my weight loss journey I have to stop drinking. I am not going to achieve any of my goals or dreams if I don't quit drinking. I can't be there for my son.  Last night my son said " My Mom are you drinking"I had to tell him the truth and when the words came out of my mouth I started to cry and my 7 year old son gave me a kiss on the forehead and said " I need you to be sober" I can't find it in me to stop drinking. I am lonely here in Seattle. My family is far away. My son lives with his Dad. Being in Spokane is so much different then in Seattle. In Spokane I have friends that will let me sit on there couch and help me deal with my lonely feeling and will hold my hand Thur this. I don't have that in Seattle and I'm afraid if I don't find it I will not get sober. I need help. I need help to get me jump started and I need help to live a sober life once again.

I'm not sure how to find happiness, or how to stop drinking,but I know that in order to truly lose the weight I need I have to stop drinking. I am not a weirdo. I am not crazy and I am not a loser,because I realized I have a problem with alcohol. It just means I have to do something about it and I am not sure really where to start. 

muffins, bagels, white flour good God!!!

Good Lord in the last 3 days I have consumed a great portion of white flour products let's see I've had, muffins, bagels, pita chips, sandwiches, tortillas, white rice, pasta and a cookie. I'm so bloated its gross. The more I am aware of the food I put in my mouth the more I realize that I have no idea how to eat healthy. I want to eat healthy, but I do not have an idea how to do it. So today when I came into work I ate a cup of granola with whole milk. I am not eating anymore white flour. I feel tired, my tummy hurts and I just feel like I am bogged down. Yesterday I did had a yummy green salad to my afternoon lunch. Thanks to my new friend Emma :) Yep that is also helping. I am being positive, surrounding my self with positive people who are also in the same place in life that I am. It is so important to me. I am also going to look for a mentor to help me with a meal plan and also a fitness plan!! I am going to post ad and I am also going to make a post on face book. I will let you guys know how that goes. I have been drinking lots and lots of water. I have cut down to one cup of coffee a day, I mean it's still two shots in the dark with cream and sugar, but I am not yet ready to change to something else.

I do eat 3 meals a day and have 2 snacks. I just do not eat healthy at all. I eat a carb overload. I barely eat any fruits or vegetables. I do not get my daily intake I don't even believe I eat 3 of each for the week. I know it's awful, but sugary, carb loaded, greasy food is fast, easy and taste o so good. I just  can't take it anymore tho. I went to McDonald's and they have how many calories are in a meal on the menu here in Seattle. I have made a vow never to eat there again and the same with Jack in the Box. Actually I am pretty sure, I will never eat fast food again...It is so gross that I have allowed my body to be filled with that shit for so long. I mean I need to have a little self respect. I can't just fill my body with shit food and except it to look beautiful and run 5 miles a day. My body does what it does with what it's fed.

I know it's only been 3 days, but i am following Thur with drinking water. I am proud of myself for doing this and taking the next step each day. I know this is going to be a beautiful, yet tough journey. I am glad that I am taking it and I am really happy to be me today!! Along with my food journal, drinking water and walking each day. I did not take a walk yesterday, but I will take one day for sure!!!

This is an article I read today about white bread
http://janicewhite.hubpages.com/hub/why-white-bread-is-bad-for-you

I got issues..........

Day:2 Of my little journey  and I have already gotten so many idea for fitness. Also not just working out, but emotional healing. I believe in signs and since these are the 2 topics that keep popping up I must need to focus on them. I am very disgusted at my weight and since I started this blog I've been second guessing if I can really do this. I haven't even imagined  what it would be like to be thin. I really have never weighted less then 170 pounds. I have no Idea what thin looks like, feels like or even what it would be like. I just know I'd be a totally different person.

I have tired so many different weight loss ideas, but never a healthy weight loss. My mother started putting me on a diet in 4th grade. First it was herbal life, then it was cutting out certain foods, I've done all the fade diets, Akins, Sacred heart diet, I took diet pills, I've fasted, I detox, I've done no sugar, and by the time I was 14, I had decided to try others things. I stuck my finger down my throat, starved myself, I binged eat, because I go all day with out eating then go home where no one could see me  and eat. I didn't just have a mother putting me on diets. I had a father that called me fat and would make comments about me eating, so I would eat alone in my room many days a week, because I felt like I had to hide eating from him. I didn't eat at school that much, because I got made fun of for being fat on a daily so I didn't like to eat around other kids and by the time I was a teenager I wanted to fit in so bad. I went on a diet with my friend, my senior year and lost weight, but this is the year I really found drugs and alcohol and that seemed to help the weight loss. To be honest I tried any drug that made me go fast just in hopes of getting skinny!! All that mattered was being skinny and when I started to loss weight from using drugs and people would tell me how great I looked, that is when  I became hooked!! I had finally found a way to be beautiful and skinny and amazing. I never got sucked up, because I was always really chubby so I started to look thin and I got complemented all the time. I used drugs, until I got pageant with my son. I stopped doing drugs, stopped smoking, stopped drinking and I was hungry and I ate and ate. I gained 70 pounds in 9months and then a bit more after Hunter was born. At the peak of my marriage I was 300 pounds. I lost 30 pounds after the divorce, but since then I have never weighted less then 220 pounds. I can't live like this anymore. I don't want to wear my clothes so tight. My back hurts, my tummy hurts, I am so tired and lazy. I can't take it anymore.

It's also very challenging when I date. As I have talked about this  before I'm online dating. I never had a boyfriend in High School and I am pretty sure guys where not  interested in me, because I was fat. So the first relationship I ever got into was Travis( my ex husband) I really believed that he was going to be the only man that loved me. This I have since found out was not  true, but I  have also noticed that I date really insecure men that treat me poorly to feel better about who they are. I literally pick the guy that is the most insecure and is going to treat me like the biggest asshole and say hey, I think I need you to date me and treat me like I'm a cow. I repeat this pattern each and everyday!! I've been online dating for a while now. Dating is a caught 22, because I find that fat or not guys are still very attracted to me. I still get asked out on dates and I still meet very nice and successful men. I also find I attracted a certain type of man, because I still dislike myself very much and also because I am not taking care of my body, which is part of showing my soul that I love it. I honestly can not date one more guy that is going to tell me how much prettier I would be if I lost 40 pounds!! I can't go out with another guy that says I should be lucky he spend time with him, because he is good looking and he can score hotter women!! I think I am just getting tired of dating. It's the same thing over and over excepting different result!!

I also want to be in good shape so I can play beach volleyball,I can play hours of football and soccer  with my son,  I can run a marathon, I can wear a really sexy tight dress and not have to cover up, I can take hikes way up in the mountains, I can swim laps, dance salsa, I can ride a bike to work and I have always wanted to long board. I want to wear a tube top, a bikini, I can wear a top showing my mid drift, I can have sex comfortably and I can walk around naked, I can wear barely any clothes in the summer and I don't want to hide my body and I can wear all the latest fashion, I want to snowboard, rock climb and just live an active life. I want to attracted friends that are into the same thing, because I need a push and a jump start. I also really really want to do yoga and Hot yoga 4 days a week!!

Losing weight will happen and I  will do it, but I just need the push. I am going to start putting it out there that I am looking for a walking buddy that would also push me to start running. I am adding something to this week goal No eating after 7p.m and a food journal. Last night I had a yummy dinner and a little treat and then a few hours later I found myself looking in the kitchen for food. I didn't eat anything Thank God, but I caught myself and  realized I was tired grabbed a glass of water and went to bed!!

Here are some great online resources I have been using. I refuse to pay for anything right now, but I am reading and taking in ideas and adding thing to my life that will help.

Jillian Michaels website told me about my bosy shape, my excerise patterns and gave me fitness idea, I was also given information how I metabalis food.
http://www.jillianmichaels.com/free-custom-weight-loss-plan.aspx

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

www.marcandangel.com

This web site below showed me how to set up a food journal.
http://weightloss.about.com/od/getstarted/ss/designjournal.htm

I'm a cow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a terrible heading, but when I  jumped off the scale this morning I wanted to jump off a cliff. Fat, fat,fat went Thur my brain...No wonder I am still sleeping alone 6 years after my divorce. Who the hell would want me? I was glad I didn't weight 300 pounds, but goodness I think it was just as bad. I am 105 pounds over weight. According to the weight and heart chart I should weight 130 to 151 pounds. I by no means want to give up, but when I came into work today it made me want to stuff donuts in my mouth. I did grab my water bottle and as I drove to work I made the decision to take a walk everyday. 1 hour a day different locations all over the this beautiful city. I am even going to start keeping a photo journal of the sights I see on each walk!! That way  I am not thinking, good God I have to excises.

<a href="http://www.disabled-world.com/artman/publish/height_weight.shtml">Height to Weight Ratio Chart</a>

I also want to talk a little bit about how even tho I hate my body there are many things about myself that I love.I think I am a blast to be around, I'm witty, outgoing, full of life, a fighter, a dreamer, a leader, and strong. I think I am very beautiful, besides my weight. Actually when I don't think about my weight I see myself as  very beautiful person, but on the same note me being overweight is holding me back. I want a barista job at a well known cafe in Seattle, but I am so uncomfortable about my weight and what to wear to feel comfortable that I won't apply.  I don't hate myself. I have worked very hard to love the women that lives inside of me and I have also worked very hard to build a spiritual relationship with God. I have wonderful friends and a beautiful family. All these people stand by my side and hold my hand in the toughest of situations. Also God is always backing me up. Yes, I will speak about God many times in life, on my facebook and in my day to day life, because this is my belief  system and God has help me this far. There is no reason not to give him credit now. I am very lucky to be me. I just want to love myself and part of this is loving my body.

I also have ran into some very hurtful experience with dating. Guys won't date me, because they think I need to lose. I have had guys offer to put me on diets. I have had guys tell me to cover up after we had sex,  they didn't like looking at me naked. I have been told how I have such a beautiful face, but if I just lost weight I would be a bomb shell. I wear low cut shirts to attract men, because I think that at least I have great tits. I'm always working around my huge belly, hiding it, wearing clothes that draw attention to different parts of my body. I can't have sex, because I am so uncomfortable. I hate my body so much that I let it consume me. I can't relax in any intimate moment. I haven't been joying important moments in life because I hate my body so much. I also can't keep up with my son, he loves sports, football, soccer, basketball, dancing, karate and running. I'm to chubby to keep up and I want to play with my son for hours. He needs that to be healthy and happy. I don't want cancer, heart disease it runs in my family and well I chain smoke, I don't want diabetes and I really want to live a full life.

This is why I followed Thur this morning. I woke up took a shower and jump on the fucking scale. Guess what it said. It said Angela you weight 250 pounds. So I took that lovely picture I am sure you all are going to love to see. I prayed and read daily mediation as usual and then I thought dude I need a drink, but since it's 5:30 in the morning I think I should pass and think about donuts, but instead of all that I grabbed my water bottle, a cigarette and drove to work. I am not going to quit smoking just to let you guys know. Nope ain't gonna happen, but it's a nice thought. So for now I'm off, water bottle in hand and the goal to make drinking water and walking become a habit. I am also going to keep a food journal for the next month. I plan to post that up her and talk about it a bit. I'm writing about every single thing I put in my mouth. Food, Alcohol, cigarettes and anything else that falls straight into my mouth. I will keep you up to date on how I am doing and weight loss. I will weight my self once a week. I know this is going to be a tough, but beautiful journey and thanks to everyone who is loving me and supporting me thru it!!

This is what I look like right now....250 pounds.....5'4.........size 16...........xl shirt.....and I can't wear tall boots, because my legs are too big.

I eat my feelings

I've been fat my whole life, well I may have been skinny for a split second here and there thur out
my life. I think that was until I found food to solve my problems and then drugs to solve the problem of being fat. Losing weight is about so much more then heading to the gym and changing my eating patterns. Being fat is my safety zone, it keeps my heart safe and I also get to use food and alcohol to deal with my problems. It's digusing I know, but at times I need an to escape. Food and alcohol have fond memories for me. Alcohol has taken a turn for the worse at times and that is why  I think I am very careful with how I consume it. Food and I have a love hate relationship, I have literally gone weeks with out eating and I have also consumed more calories in one day then I should eat in a week. It makes no sense to me, but I've came to a place in my life where I am ready to lose these extra pound, but I know it means I have to deal with some serious issues.

I'm writing this blog, because I watched my friend Brandy be open and honest about her weight loss. She had the world to keep her accountable and gain support. So i jumped on the band wagon and started a blog. Being overweight is holding me back from accomplishing my goals. I think it's because my whole life I've been told that the only way to love and success to be skinny, but at the same time I was hearing that I was worth nothing and I would never be anything. If it wasn't for my Aunt and Grandmother I would of never believed in myself. I lived in chaos my whole life, a chaos that can only be explained unless you walk in it and here that doesn't matter. What matters is that I start to love myself. I have had so much self hate my whole life that I let the negative thoughts consume me. I don't live filled with negativity, I live in love and light.

This past week I have learned that when I am alone I obsess that people are looking at my fat arms, my fat tights, my fat belly, my fat face, and thinking that lady need to go on a diet. I'm in the middle on the practicing  spending time alone, but when I am eating alone I think people are thinking "That fat girl need to put that food down and take a walk". I've been online dating, but all I get is these creeps. I finally meet a nice guy and I push him away, because to be honest I think any guy can do better then some fat poor girl, He'll most likely find someone skinnier and that makes more money. I feel like being thin is what makes a women beautiful. To be 100 percent honest, I don't think fat is pretty. I am grossed out by myself. I have become so consumed with the way I look, but here is the caught instead of changing my behavior in a healthy way I stuff my face full of food or get as drunk as possible.

Being overweight helps hide all my issues. I hate being alone, but I'm alone, because I keep telling myself no man wants a fat girl. I feel unloved, ugly, fat, and as if I'm meant to be alone, because any smart man would want a skinny girlfriend. Being overweight keeps me from running with my son, playing football  and soccer. I won't go to dance class, zumba, or the gym, because I think people are thinking " What is the fat girl doing here" "I'm glad I don't look like her". It's terrible that I dislike myself, because I'm fat.

I'm going to lose weight for a number of reason
1. I want to be healthy
2. I want to love my body
3. I want to play for hours with my son.
4. I love fashion and I want to wear beautiful clothing
5. I want to sing and I won't stand in front of people, because I feel too fat
6. I want a healthy relationship with a man
7. I want to run and take Hot yoga

In 1 week I am going to be 29 and By the time I am 30 I going to love myself. I am not going to spend another 20 years hating who and what I am. I am going to accomplish my dreams and love the women that I am. I really have no idea how to jump start my weight loss, but I figured why not start just like this. My goal this week is to weight myself and to drink more water. Once I weight myself I will post it up here. With a recent picture of myself and I'll talk about what step I'm willing to take next!!