I'm a cow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a terrible heading, but when I  jumped off the scale this morning I wanted to jump off a cliff. Fat, fat,fat went Thur my brain...No wonder I am still sleeping alone 6 years after my divorce. Who the hell would want me? I was glad I didn't weight 300 pounds, but goodness I think it was just as bad. I am 105 pounds over weight. According to the weight and heart chart I should weight 130 to 151 pounds. I by no means want to give up, but when I came into work today it made me want to stuff donuts in my mouth. I did grab my water bottle and as I drove to work I made the decision to take a walk everyday. 1 hour a day different locations all over the this beautiful city. I am even going to start keeping a photo journal of the sights I see on each walk!! That way  I am not thinking, good God I have to excises.

<a href="http://www.disabled-world.com/artman/publish/height_weight.shtml">Height to Weight Ratio Chart</a>

I also want to talk a little bit about how even tho I hate my body there are many things about myself that I love.I think I am a blast to be around, I'm witty, outgoing, full of life, a fighter, a dreamer, a leader, and strong. I think I am very beautiful, besides my weight. Actually when I don't think about my weight I see myself as  very beautiful person, but on the same note me being overweight is holding me back. I want a barista job at a well known cafe in Seattle, but I am so uncomfortable about my weight and what to wear to feel comfortable that I won't apply.  I don't hate myself. I have worked very hard to love the women that lives inside of me and I have also worked very hard to build a spiritual relationship with God. I have wonderful friends and a beautiful family. All these people stand by my side and hold my hand in the toughest of situations. Also God is always backing me up. Yes, I will speak about God many times in life, on my facebook and in my day to day life, because this is my belief  system and God has help me this far. There is no reason not to give him credit now. I am very lucky to be me. I just want to love myself and part of this is loving my body.

I also have ran into some very hurtful experience with dating. Guys won't date me, because they think I need to lose. I have had guys offer to put me on diets. I have had guys tell me to cover up after we had sex,  they didn't like looking at me naked. I have been told how I have such a beautiful face, but if I just lost weight I would be a bomb shell. I wear low cut shirts to attract men, because I think that at least I have great tits. I'm always working around my huge belly, hiding it, wearing clothes that draw attention to different parts of my body. I can't have sex, because I am so uncomfortable. I hate my body so much that I let it consume me. I can't relax in any intimate moment. I haven't been joying important moments in life because I hate my body so much. I also can't keep up with my son, he loves sports, football, soccer, basketball, dancing, karate and running. I'm to chubby to keep up and I want to play with my son for hours. He needs that to be healthy and happy. I don't want cancer, heart disease it runs in my family and well I chain smoke, I don't want diabetes and I really want to live a full life.

This is why I followed Thur this morning. I woke up took a shower and jump on the fucking scale. Guess what it said. It said Angela you weight 250 pounds. So I took that lovely picture I am sure you all are going to love to see. I prayed and read daily mediation as usual and then I thought dude I need a drink, but since it's 5:30 in the morning I think I should pass and think about donuts, but instead of all that I grabbed my water bottle, a cigarette and drove to work. I am not going to quit smoking just to let you guys know. Nope ain't gonna happen, but it's a nice thought. So for now I'm off, water bottle in hand and the goal to make drinking water and walking become a habit. I am also going to keep a food journal for the next month. I plan to post that up her and talk about it a bit. I'm writing about every single thing I put in my mouth. Food, Alcohol, cigarettes and anything else that falls straight into my mouth. I will keep you up to date on how I am doing and weight loss. I will weight my self once a week. I know this is going to be a tough, but beautiful journey and thanks to everyone who is loving me and supporting me thru it!!

This is what I look like right now....250 pounds.....5'4.........size 16...........xl shirt.....and I can't wear tall boots, because my legs are too big.