God gave me the gift of awareness and at time it doesn't just help me, but also means that I have to deal with big issues. I need to feel big feelings and the negative of this is that when the feelings hit they hit hard and when they do hit it means I deal with them or I'll fall behind. This mean I over eat, drink, smoke to much, have random sex or wish I no longer existed. I don't choose to let these things be a way to deal with my problems. I choose to deal with these problem full force. I learned this week that love is the root to why I am truly unhappy and it is the issues at hand that is holding me back. It is the reason why my heart feels like it is bleeding out. I have a sick relationship with Love and I think it's because I feel like love is different then what it really is.
This is a long journey that I have been on and a it started 3 years ago, with my first trip to rehab. I had to get to sober to deal with my feelings. I had to get sober to get rid of my resentments and to forgive. I had to let go of all the issues that I had self made so that I could deal with the issues that where childhood made. My heart has been broken since I was a little child. I was small and the first time I wanted to die I was a tiny little girl. I felt alone since I was brought into this world and I have spent the last 29 years feeling like there was no where that I belonged. I feel alone, lost, like I can barely make it. My heart feels like a huge brick and the each day I walk this earth I feel like I'm going to exploded. I am hurting alot right now. I have no idea how to feel better. Unless I use something terrible to fill my body, because well I am hurting inside.
The only love I have ever known was the one that my mother and father taught me and that is scary. The sick thing is when people show me really love and feel like I don't deserve it and I try to ruin it. I find reason to not allow it and I push. I push hard to make them go away, because I feel less then and to be honest. I am unhappy. Every time I deal with an issue I feel so much, better i feel full and I feel much healthier. Right now tho I am stuck. I feel like I can't move forward. I feel fat, uneducated, worthless and like I am all alone and no one will ever love me. I hate the way I feel and the only way I know how to deal with these feelings is food, alcohol, drugs, sex and cigarettes.
I'm sad, i feel unloved and alone. I'm lost and confused and I want to deal with it finally. I don't need meds what i need to know is why?? why my parents gave birth to me to treat me like crap. To call me fat, ugly, stupid, pic at all my faults and then tell me if I was perfect someone would love me. I can't tell you how many times I heard my mother tell me, That guy is out of your reach or how I was to fat to try certain sports or wear certain clothes. How she would stand there and listen to my father tell me how I was a waste of space and life and that no one would ever love me. If I would tell him a guy liked me he would make fun of me and say ya right! He even told me once when I OD on drugs as he was driving me to the hospital, that if it wasn't for my mother he would let me die. He wished me dead, he told me I wasn't his child and he also hit me and hurt me in so many other ways. My mother knew and did nothing. she never once believed me, but did she have to believe me. She watched it happen so many times. I hate them both for the way they treated me and yet to this day I still wonder what is wrong with me. Why don't they love me, but worship my brother and sister.
I think the thing that hurts the most is that they have there happen happy family now, because I am no longer apart of it. My mother tell me every time I talk to her that she is glad I am gone and she will never love me the way she once did. all because she feels like, because I told my son away from her and her fucked up husband I am a terrible person. I deserve a family. I deserve people that love me or do I??
I live this cycle of love Thur friendships and dating. I have wonderful friends I really do. I have so many people in my life who love me just as I am. Even Thu all the times I am learning to be a person. I know people think I am crazy and I am a bit. I am trying to live a positive life. I was never taught positive.I lived in a world of violence and abuse, alcohol abuse, hurt and pain. No one tryed to save me. Not one single person except once CPS came, but I was told to lie and I did. I don't want to lie anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to feel like I am alone anymore. I really would like to trust and let people that love me into my life. I am not wasting anymore time looking for someone to love me. I don't want to waste anymore time with guys that don't give a shit about me. I want to stop putting up wall of pain to keep people out. Tonight as I lay here I ask God to pop my bubble and please allowed people into love me. I want to love and care for others and myself. I also want to allowed people into my life to love and care about me. I do not want to be the lonely scared little girl anymore. I want to be free from the past and my childhood. I deserve to let all this sadness go and just deal with the pain within my heart. I want to let it go and be free from the hurt that is holding me back. I need freedom from all the hurt and the pain. I need to be free from the sadness in my heart and soul. I need to be free from the hurt and pain and realize that I deserve some happiness.
When I was a kid instead of dealing with my feelings I would eat them. I would hide in my room and eat and eat and eat. when I found drugs I would use drugs. Now I have alcohol and that is my saving grace!! I want to escape from the feelings and I know the worse why I can deal with the feelings. I am spending the next 3 month to changing the pain, to find different ways to deal with the hurt and healthy ways and also I am going to love myself. I am finally going to love myself, so tat way I can find someone who can truly love me and I can allow the people around me who want to love me love me. I no longer need to let the pain from my childhood hold me back and also I am not alone. I need to stop feeling like I am all alone and no one loves me, because I know this is not true. I am loved. People love me. I have so much love, from so many people and I am going to spend the next 3 months spreading love to others and loving myself and allowing myself to be loved!! I am cleansing my body, mind, and soul and starting 100 percent brand new!! Hello new Angela, good bye past.....Today I forgive my parents. I forgive them for not knowing how to be different people then they are. For not knowing now to love me and for not knowing how to change. I hope that one day God can guide them to some peace and happiness and until then I no longer choose to have them in my life. I will not have my mother and father in my life because they are unhealthy for me and for the past 28 years of my life I was hit, abused mentally and emotionally and I don't care what they think I do not deserve that. I deserve a good life. A child has no control and a child needs to be cared for and loved. A child need to be free and able to feel true love and care. I can't get that from from childhood, but I am allowed that now and I can give that to my son. I am finally free from the abuse and control and so is my son. We are now allowed to heal and become the people we wish and for the rest of mine life I will find forgiveness for all the people in My parents family, I am free and I am able to be anyone I want to be. I ask today from the bottom of my soul that I am finally free from the pain in my heart and soul. I don't want to love guys like Alex anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore and I need to be free. It's a need!! I will never deal with any of this again and I will be happy. I will finally find peace that is in my soul!! I need to find peace. I have to have peace, because it is controlling my whole life. I just can't handle the thought of always feeling like I am alone!!
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