My relationships with men has transformed in so many different stages. It has also taken so many different forms, all with the same goal in mind. To be perfectly honest I want to fall in love, and start a family. I want to meet the right guy for me, which means I am the right girl for him.
Love has everything to do with weight loss trust me. It's a little bit of the reason why I am on this little journey to weight loss. I'm not saying I can't get a date, because this is not the case at all. I'm just not finding what I am looking for and I think this is because I am looking for perfect and someone to fall head over in love with me right away, but I do have standards these days. I say this, because if anyone knew me when I first started dating I usually only went out with a guy if he was hot there was no other need base. Just super-hot, so needless to say I dated jobless, drug addicts, who lived with their Mom and had even, drove her car. As long as you were hot, which helps boost my self-esteem. I date super good looking guys for just that reason. So that no matter how fat and ugly I think I am, If I have a hot dude in my life I feel beautiful. It's that attitude of if I can get this guy I must be hot.
I didn't date in high school. I had a lot of crushes. I also was overweight and uncomfortable in my skin. My first serious relationship was with my son's Dad and that was a very unhealthy relationship. I moved on to a relationship of obsession with a guy I liked. Then I got into another relationship which was filled with drugs, alcohol and anger. So I was in a relationship with really no breaks, each of these relationships where piggy backed off of each other. I started my first relationship in 2001 and ended the last relationship in 2009. That is 8 years of my life in a relationship. During this time I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. I depended on all these men to full fill my need, emotional, physical, financially, and also I had them make choices for me. I even made friends that made choices for me.
After the last relationship I had I made the choice to be Single and sexless and focus on myself. I followed thru with this and focused on myself and did some deep internal work. I did this a couple times, except the second round was no sex, but I dated the second time. This taught me even more about myself. Now I date, I don't just date 1 guy at a time. I date 2, 3, 4, 5, guys at one time.
I started online dating months ago and I have learned so much about myself. These are the things the learned about me. I'm beautiful, fun to be around, driven to be the best person I can be, hardworking, witty, smart, brilliant and amazing. I am lucky to have turned out to be the women I am, because I could have turned out to be far worse. I have had to learn to be the person I am today. I have had so many wonderful people walk into my life and guide me. I had no choice, but to learn. I have no choice, but to be the best possible person I can be and love and forgive people. Yes, I drink too much, eat too much and date a lot of men, but those are the tools I have learned to make myself feel good!
Dating is also now starting to take a different turn. It use to make me feel good when men were sexually attracted to me. I enjoyed the feeling of being wanted, but now I am getting bored with it. Knowing that I can have sex with pretty much every guy that asks me on a date makes me want to save it for someone special. Yes, of course I want to have sex. I love sex, but I would rather enjoy it with a man I love. The truth in dating is this, all guys want to have sex, but if I keep saying no sex it shows me which one actually want to spend time getting to know me as a person. Then comes the fun part seeing if the guy has what I am looking for and I have learned so much from dating, I know what I am looking for I have a person I am looking for imprinted in my mind now I am just wanting for him to come.
The main issue that is holding me back from getting what I want is me. I am holding myself, back from the guy I want, because I don't think I deserve a good guy. I think I am too fat and if he finds a girl skinner then me. I am getting replaced!! Also a girl that drives a nicer car, lives in a nicer apartment, has a better job and is better looking than. I feel like all men these days care about are martial passions, money and trophy wife. I am looking for something so much different. Trust me I have a 6 page list!! I'm not joking, it's pretty crazy.
I just have 4 very important rules:
1. No abuse what so ever..Never..I mean it and if a guy ever talks down to me he is gone. I actually really have to remind myself of this rule when a guy comes back and is all sweet and loving, because that is really hard for me. I have let a guy I dated recently crossed this line, because he told me he loved me. I can tell you this though, I'm not letting it happen anymore.
2. I do not pay for men, unless we are in a relationship or friends or we have been trading off on dates. I do not buy man’s love and they also do not have to buy mine.
3. I am allowed to say no to sex. Even if it's in the middle of a hot and heavy make-out, if we are dating, if we had it before, and even if i said I wanted to do it. I am allowed to change my mind and so is he.
I have these rules because I believe with my whole heart that a healthy relationship, does not allow these behaviors. Also cheating is a big No No. I don't think its ok, once the choice has been made then it's out of respect for the other person to not wonder. Again this is my belief. I have no judgment on others, because I believe we are all learning.
Since this summer I have been dating and the more dating I do I realize just what I am looking for. I really don't need to do anymore research. I also know that I can stop looking now, because when the right guy comes along I'll know. I'm pretty sure. I'm actually pretty sure I already know who the guy is that I am going to be with. I just need to let time and me working on these huge leaps to work out and in due time life will all work it's self out. I am really happy to be me and I know that I just need to focus on the things that are holding me back!! I am so excited to see where life is going to take me, but I am also afraid I am going to fail. I feel like I am always going to be struggling with money and what I want to do with my life. I feel like I am always going to be struggling with my drinking and weight loss!! I feel lost about these things right now and that is why I am writing this blog I guess. I am sure all the answer will come in due time. I am giving myself a year to focus on these issues!! It'll all work out; I have great people and God behind me. I am one lucky Woman!!
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