It's 2012

Welcome New Year!!!!!!!!

Last year brought many changes Good and uncomfortable. I built myself from the ground up and I also accomplished so much. This is the year that I am learning to Love myself and  build a life for Hunter! I was driving to work today thinking that this is not going to be forever. It's just the way it needs to be right now. I have been listening a lot lately and for the next month I am going to do less talking and more listening. I am also going to  keep doing random acts of kindness. I think it's important for my well being and the people who enjoy life with me. I am ready to have a beautiful life!! I am proud to be me!! I am grateful for my beautiful son, my friends and family. This year is looking very brights, it's the year dreams come true.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about beauty and what that means to me. I use to believe that beauty was my outer shell. I believed that if I was beautiful on the outside then I'd be happy on the inside. This I am finding to be untrue. I have a heart and soul that needs to find happiness. This week I am working on standing up for myself. I believe that if I stop letting people try to bring me down and control my life. I'll be much happier.

I feel like it's time for me to share a little about myself. In my past I picked people in my life who controlled and abused me. This last week I see in my self that I am still allowing people to run my life. I am still allowing other people to hold me down, because I am afraid of being alone. Also because I have guilt and these  2 things are holding me hostage. I stayed in relationships because I did not want to walk the earth alone, because I was afraid. I have let  people mistreat me, just so I wouldn't have to be alone. The fear has ran my life, but I am not alone. I have felt alone, I have felt fear, but I want to feel full. I won't die if I don't have friends, If I don't have a boyfriend and I'm not alone. I am filled with so much love and happiness. I have wonderful people in my life and I also have a wonderful life ahead of me. I am grateful to be the women that I am. I was consumed in so much negative that people wanted to be no where near me. Each day that I walk more into the light I get a warmth in my heart.

Losing weight has so much to do with work from the inside out. This year I am giving up smoking for Today. I can smoke tomorrow if I want, but today I am giving up smoking. Just like I can eat cheese, drink milk, eat ice cream and drown myself in dairy if I like, but today I'm not eating it, because it makes my tummy hurt!. I will love myself this year...I'll have a beautiful and healthy body! It's time that I fill my temple with love and don't miss treat it. In a few weeks I am going to start the cleanse for my body, but right now I am weening off certain items one at a time, this is all for good health for my life. I am also ridding myself of the past and moving forward!! I am free to live my life. I no longer need to feel bad about who I am or what I was. I am not that person anymore. I am a women beauty that walks in light and love. This year is going to bring me financial  security, a beautiful life with my son, a man that I will fall in Love with, a business that I have always dreamed of and a healthy body, mind and soul!! My the new year bless all of you!!

insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results

I had this friend once. we will call him TM. TM and I where very good friends, but one thing lead to another and our friendship crossed the line. After that things where never the same. We did everything to get it back to the way it use to be and it was not possible. This caused us both a great deal of pain and one day, I asked TM why we couldn't start over again and he said " do you know what the definition of insanity is Angela? Doing the same behavior over and over and excpecting different results." I never spoke to him again and since then I have been on a journey of a life time.

I changed my life from the inside out. Yes, at times I may seem insane and that is because I am truly having an inner struggle with the light and darkness. I lived in darkness for so long that I had no idea how to live in the light. I struggle with the emotions of losing my old self, with the emotions of plain just not knowing what to do, I also will ignore my inner voice, because I would rather not feel a feeling or get hurt or be rejected or be ALONE dadada.....what i realize is that I struggle with what is good for me and bad for me. Then I have to get miserable and want a certain thing to stop. That is right where I am in my life.


I'm searching for a enlighten self. The one that seeks to improve the person that I am. I can so longer tolerate sadness, unhappiness, depression, anxiety and being overwhelmed. I don't believe in medication. I'm not saying people shouldn't take med, because in certain cases they may be needed, but not in my case. I just have things I need to deal with. which is this huge one, which is the need to be wanted, the need for attention , and the need to feel love.

With online dating I lost track of myself. I have let all the guys finding me pretty and interesting go straight to my head. I don't want any of those guys, I just don't want to be alone. It's been so long since I've even gone a week without talking to a guy. I think because I'm not having sex with them and taking gifts that I am not hurting anyone, but I know this is not true. I can't lead guys on anymore, I can't make them think there  is a little bit of hope. I just need to stop using guys to fill my void. It's no good!! No good at all!! I just get my little ego boost and then bored. So damn bored. I mean come one  guys give me a run for my money. Like me, but don't fall in love in the middle of the 1st date or before I even meet you in person. It makes me kind of want to throw-up in my mouth a little bit.

The other day I had dinner with a guy who this on a napkin.... his name+my name = <3. I was like what the fuck. He even told me he was looking for a wife. I almost got up and ran away, but get this. I am so lonely that I'm like maybe I can make this work. I let him kiss me and then I cant get away fast enough. I'm grossed out and he thinks I'm everything he has been looking for and I think he is mistaken. I don't understand. Don't people feel there is no spark coming from me. I know they have to know, but I guess it is a guy and they can just have sex with no feeling. I mean not to say i can't have sex with no feeling attached, because I do that also. I just don't like to. I want to stop wasting my energy on guys I have no feelings for. I want to stop dating guys that are not my type. I have a type, yes I do. I just realized this actually, because I have been dating so many different types I know just the man I am looking. I actually know the man I am going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I have big hopes and dreams.

I am no longer desperate to be in love, I am no longer desperate to be in a relationship and I am also no longer forcing myself to feel something I don't. I'm done thinking that I have settle and in the mean time I have to keep dating, I think NOT. I use to think I need a relationship also because people would say " why don't you have a boyfriend? you are so beautiful and have so much going for you" " I want to reply, well because I haven't find the guy I want to spend my life with yet or even a guy that I want to spend more then 30 mins with." Give me a break who the fuck say a relationship defines who we are as a person. Back the fuck up lady, I want to be single. If I said this someone would think I was Crazy. Jeez people like the crazy word!!

My beautiful Resuce is not a man it's my soul!!

Good Morning my lovely followers. I haven't been blogging that much, due to the fact that it's been the holiday seasons and I've been way busy and full of fear. Yes, fear my life since I was given my job at the wayward cafe has been fear driven. I don't allow my self to have faith. On this journey to be beautiful, I'm learning that getting skinny isn't the answer to all my problems. I have some issues that are keeping me stuck and I am finally willing to address them.

My biggest FEAR is being alone, because alone as a child for me was a painful experience. It meant spending endless hours alone In my room, where no one spoke to me unless I was being called names, lazy, fat, stupid, and I felt like a monster. I grew-up thinking I was meant to be alone and that followed me Thur life. When I was divorced the last thing my ex-husband said was "you just lost the real love of your life and now you will be cursed with being alone for the rest of your life" I have believed that for years. I have been lost in the fact that being alone meant, being without a man that I've been searching for Love and when it finally fell right in my lap, I lost it because I have a different idea of what being in a relationship means. Also I just keep telling myself I am alone, even when there are tons of people who love and care about me. I have so many wonderful people in my life and I have had so many wonderful people in my life. All who have made it possible for me to be surround in love and light!!

I'm ready too rid myself of this fear on being alone and have faith that I will meet a man that truly loves and cares about me. Until then  I will follow my dreams,listen to my heart and do just what God made me for. I was put on earth to love my son, myself and the people that live on earth along with me. I am turning my focus to what is most important and making my goals.

1. Heal from the inside out. This means dealing with my pain and also loving myself.
        A. Do the 21 day cleanse of my mind body and soul
        B. Get a gym membership, yoga membership
        C. buy a bike, go to the batting cages, take walks all over the city
2.Get a job as working at a coffeehouse full time 36-40 hours, as the lead barista, making good money plus tips and also a personal shoppers position.
                 A. Edit resume and Cover letter and post an ad for a personal shopper
                 B. Look on line for jobs, check out different coffee shops in the city and drop off resume and look for retail job that need personal shoppers
                 C. look for the right clothes for job interviews
3. Get a place so that Hunter can have his own room, backyard, and a dog to play with
                 A. save money( which means to extras, just focusing on working, taking care of my physical self and spending time with Hunter)
                 B. look for help I can get to move into a place'
                 C. file paper to get Hunter home
                 D. look for places

I am not giving up on following my dreams. I am going to achieve all of the goals I have listed. I am truly taking the next 3 months and doing the work I need to and focus on this Goals!! I will do just what I say I am going to do. I am also going to make a vow here, before all of you that I am going to stop online dating. To some of you this may seem funny, but I am addicted to online dating. I like the feeling of having a guy there to make me feel important, but I really need to be doing is focusing on a positive life for my son and I! I want to be able to be comfortable without looking for someone as my boyfriend. Just saying it makes me sounds like a jerk. I just need this time to walk Thur life comfortable enough in my own skin.

Being skinny isn't the answer to my happiness, the answer to my happiness does mean loving myself. I'm not saying I'm not going to work out and that I am not going to take care of myself. I am just not making my main focus losing weight. I am making my main focus loving myself and to live in faith!! To fill myself up with Love and light and to change my life one baby step at a time. I am going to start trusting myself and knowing that when I hear that voice inside me that I need to follow Thur and not give up. I can meet all of my goals and I will be doing just that!!

Love is what makes me fat!!!

God gave me the gift of awareness and at time it doesn't just help me, but also means that I have to deal with big issues. I need to feel big feelings and  the negative of this is that when the feelings hit they hit hard and when they do hit it means I deal with them or I'll fall behind. This mean I over eat, drink, smoke to much, have random sex or wish I no longer existed. I don't choose to let these things be a way to deal with my problems. I choose to deal with these problem full force. I learned this week that love is the root to why I am truly unhappy and it is the issues at hand that is holding me back. It is the reason why my heart  feels like it is bleeding out. I have a sick relationship with Love and I think it's because I feel like love is different then what it really is.

This is a long journey that I have been on and a it started 3 years ago, with my first trip to rehab. I had to get to sober to deal with my feelings. I had to get sober to get rid of my resentments and to forgive. I had to let go of all the issues that I had self made so that I could deal with the issues that where childhood made. My heart has been broken since I was a little child. I was small and the first time I wanted to die I was a tiny little girl. I felt alone since I was brought into this world and I have spent the last 29 years feeling like there was no where that I belonged. I feel alone, lost, like I can barely make it. My heart feels like a huge brick and the each day I walk this earth I feel like I'm going to exploded. I am hurting alot right now. I have no idea how to feel better. Unless I use something terrible to fill my body, because well I am hurting inside.

The only love I have ever known was the one that my mother and father taught me and that is scary. The sick thing is when people show me really love and  feel like I don't deserve it and I try to ruin it. I find reason to not allow it and I push. I push hard to make them go away, because I feel less then and to be honest. I am unhappy. Every time I deal with an issue I feel so much, better i feel full and I feel much healthier. Right now tho I am stuck. I feel like I can't move forward. I feel fat, uneducated, worthless and like I am all alone and no one will ever love me. I hate the way I feel and the only way I know how to deal with these feelings is food, alcohol, drugs, sex and cigarettes.

I'm sad, i feel unloved and alone. I'm lost and confused and I want to deal with it finally. I don't need meds what i need to know is why?? why my parents gave birth to me to treat me like crap. To call me fat, ugly, stupid, pic at all my faults and then tell me if I was perfect someone would love me. I can't tell you how many times I heard my mother tell me, That guy is out of your reach or how I was to fat to try certain sports or wear certain clothes. How she would stand there and listen to my father tell me how I was a waste of space and life and that no one would ever love me. If I would tell him a guy liked me he would make fun of me and say ya right! He even told me once when I OD on drugs as he was driving me to the hospital, that if it wasn't for my mother he would let me die. He wished me dead, he told me I wasn't his child and he also hit me and hurt me in so many other ways. My mother knew and did nothing. she never once believed me, but did she have to believe me. She watched it happen so many times. I hate them both for the way they treated me and yet to this day I still wonder what is wrong with me. Why don't they love me, but worship my brother and sister.

I think the thing that hurts the most is that they have there happen happy family now, because I am no longer apart of it. My mother tell me every time I talk to her that she is glad I am gone and she will never love me the way she once did. all because she feels like, because I told my son away from her and her fucked up husband I am a terrible person. I deserve a family. I deserve people that love me or do I??

I live this cycle of love Thur friendships and dating. I have wonderful friends I really do. I have so many people in my life who love me just as I am. Even Thu all the times I am learning to be a person. I know people think I am crazy and I am a bit. I am trying to live a positive life. I was never taught positive.I lived in a world of violence and abuse, alcohol abuse, hurt and pain. No one tryed to save me. Not one single person except once CPS came, but I was told to lie and I did. I don't want to lie anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to feel like I am alone anymore. I really would like to trust and let people that love me into my life. I am not wasting anymore time looking for someone to love me. I don't want to waste anymore time with guys that don't give a shit about me. I want to stop putting up wall of pain to keep people out. Tonight as I lay here I ask God to pop my bubble and please allowed people into love me. I want to love and care for others and myself. I also want to allowed people into my life  to love and care about me. I do not want to be the lonely scared little girl anymore. I want to be free from the past and my childhood. I deserve to let all this sadness go and just deal with the pain within my heart. I want to let it go and be free from the hurt that is holding me back. I need freedom from all the hurt and the pain. I need to be free from the sadness in my heart and soul. I need to be free from the hurt and pain and realize that I deserve some happiness.

When I was a kid instead of dealing with my feelings I would eat them. I would hide in my room and eat and eat and eat. when I found drugs I would use drugs. Now I have alcohol and that is my saving grace!! I want to escape from the feelings and I know the worse why I can deal with the feelings. I am spending the next 3 month to changing the pain, to find different ways to deal with the hurt and healthy ways and also I am going to love myself. I am finally going to love myself, so tat way I can find someone who can truly love me and I can allow the people around me who want to love me love me. I no longer need to let the pain from my childhood hold me back and also I am not alone. I need to stop feeling like I am all alone and no one loves me, because I know this is not true. I am loved. People love me. I have so much love, from so many people and I am going to spend the next 3 months spreading love to others and loving myself and allowing myself to be loved!! I am cleansing my body, mind, and soul and starting 100 percent brand new!! Hello new Angela, good bye past.....Today I forgive my parents. I forgive them for not knowing how to be different people then they are. For not knowing now to love me and for not knowing how to change. I hope that one day God can guide them to some peace and happiness and until then I no longer choose to have them in my life. I will not have my mother and father in my life because they are unhealthy for me and for the past 28 years of my life I was hit, abused mentally and emotionally and I don't care what they think I do not deserve that. I deserve a good life. A child has no control and a child needs to be cared for and loved. A child need to be free and able to feel true love and care. I can't get that from from childhood, but I am allowed that now and I can give that to my son. I am finally free from the abuse and control and so is my son. We are now allowed to heal and become the people we wish and for the rest of mine life I will find forgiveness for all the people in My parents family, I am free and I am able to be anyone I want to be. I ask today from the bottom of my soul that I am finally free from the pain in my heart and soul. I don't want to love guys like Alex anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore and I need to be free. It's a need!! I will never deal with any of this again and I will be happy. I will finally find peace that is in my soul!! I need to find peace. I have to have peace, because it is controlling my whole life. I just can't handle the thought of always feeling like I am alone!!

Dating men is my self-esstem boost

My relationships with men has transformed  in  so many different stages. It has also taken so many different forms, all with the same goal in mind.  To be perfectly honest I want to fall in love, and start a family. I want to meet the right guy for me, which means I am the right girl for him.

Love has everything to do with weight loss trust me. It's a little bit of the reason why I am on this little journey to weight loss. I'm not saying  I can't get a date, because this is not the case at all. I'm just not finding what I am looking for and I think this is because I am looking for perfect and someone to fall head over in love with me right away, but I do have standards these days. I say this, because if anyone knew me when I first started dating I usually only went out with a guy if he was hot there was no other need base. Just super-hot, so needless to say I dated jobless, drug addicts, who lived with their Mom and had even, drove her car. As long as you were hot, which helps boost my self-esteem. I date super good looking guys for just that reason. So that no matter how  fat and ugly I think I am, If I have a hot dude in my life I feel beautiful. It's that attitude of if I can get this guy I must be hot.

I didn't date in high school. I had a lot of crushes. I also was overweight and uncomfortable in my skin. My first serious relationship was with my son's Dad and that was a very unhealthy relationship. I moved on to a relationship of obsession with a guy I liked. Then I got into another relationship which was  filled with drugs, alcohol and anger. So I was in a relationship with really no breaks, each of these relationships where piggy backed off of each other. I started my first relationship in 2001 and ended the last relationship in 2009. That is 8 years of my life in a relationship. During this time I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. I depended on all these men to full fill my need, emotional, physical, financially, and also I had them make choices for me. I even made friends that made choices for me.

After the last relationship I had I made the choice to be Single and sexless and focus on myself. I followed thru with this and focused on myself and did some deep internal work. I did this a couple times, except the second round was no sex, but I dated the second time. This taught me even more about myself. Now I date, I don't just date 1 guy at a time. I date 2, 3, 4, 5, guys at one time.

I started online dating months ago and I have learned so much about myself. These are the things the learned about me. I'm beautiful, fun to be around, driven to be the best person I can be, hardworking, witty, smart, brilliant and amazing. I am lucky to have turned out to be the women I am, because I could have turned out to be far worse. I have had to learn to be the person I am today. I have had so many wonderful people walk into my life and guide me. I had no choice, but to learn. I have no choice, but to be the best possible person I can be and love and forgive people. Yes, I drink too much, eat too much and date a lot of men, but those are the tools I have learned to make myself feel good!

Dating is also now starting to take a different turn. It use to make me feel good when men were sexually attracted to me. I enjoyed the feeling of being wanted, but now I am getting bored with it. Knowing that I can have sex with pretty much every guy that asks me on a date makes me want to save it for someone special. Yes, of course I want to have sex. I love sex, but I would rather enjoy it with a man I love. The truth in dating is this, all guys want to have sex, but if I keep saying no sex it shows me which one actually want to spend time getting to know me as a person. Then comes the fun part seeing if the guy has what I am looking for and I have learned so much from dating, I know what I am looking for I have a person I am looking for imprinted in my mind now I am just wanting for him to come.

The main issue that is holding me back from getting what I want is me. I am holding myself, back from the guy I want, because I don't think I deserve a good guy. I think I am too fat and if he finds a girl skinner then me. I am getting replaced!! Also a girl that drives a nicer car, lives in a nicer apartment, has a better job and is better looking than. I feel like all men these days care about are martial passions, money and trophy wife. I am looking for something so much different. Trust me I have a 6 page list!! I'm not joking, it's pretty crazy.

I just have 4 very important rules:

1. No abuse what so ever..Never..I mean it  and if a guy ever talks down to me he is gone. I actually really have to remind myself of this rule when a guy comes back and is all sweet and loving, because that is really hard for me. I have let a guy I dated recently crossed this line, because he told me he loved me. I can tell you this though, I'm not letting it happen anymore.

2. I do not pay for men, unless we are in a relationship or friends or we have been trading off on dates. I do not buy man’s love and they also do not have to buy mine.

3. I am allowed to say no to sex. Even if it's in the middle of a hot and heavy make-out, if we are dating, if we had it before, and even if i said I wanted to do it. I am allowed to change my mind and so is he.

 4. He can not have been to prison( unless he changed his life, I have seen this happen), He can not be a drug dealer, on drugs or commit crimes.

I have these rules because I believe with my whole heart that a healthy relationship, does not allow these behaviors. Also cheating is a big No No. I don't think its ok, once the choice has been made then it's out of respect for the other person to not wonder. Again this is my belief. I have no judgment on others, because I believe we are all learning.

Since this summer I have been dating and the more dating I do I realize just what I am looking for. I really don't need to do anymore research. I also know that I can stop looking now, because when the right guy comes along I'll know. I'm pretty sure. I'm actually pretty sure I already know who the guy is that I am going to be with. I just need to let time and me working on these huge leaps to work out and in due time life will all work it's self out. I am really happy to be me and I know that I just need to focus on the things that are holding me back!! I am so excited to see where life is going to take me, but I am also afraid I am going to fail. I feel like I am always going to be struggling with money and what I want to do with my life. I feel like I am always going to be struggling with my drinking and weight loss!! I feel lost about these things right now and that is why I am writing this blog I guess. I am sure all the answer will come in due time. I am giving myself a year to focus on these issues!! It'll all work out; I have great people and God behind me. I am one lucky Woman!!

Alcohol consumes my life

I had a rough weekend. It was a painful eye opener. I have let alcohol consume my life once again. I know to some people it may not seem that way, but they don't live inside of me. This greatly effected my weight loss journey and also effect my life. To be honest Seattle is very lonely for me. Not just because I moved here with no one, but because I deal with a inner demon that the people around me don't understand. I think about alcohol all the time. I want to drink everyday and if I could get away with it I would. I control my drinking, but there comes a point that when I consume it, I can't stop drinking. This effect everything from my mood, what I eat, how may cigarettes I smoke, how much coffee I drink and how much sugar I consume. Alcohol seems to make all my problems fade away until I'm sitting passed out on a street corner or chocking on my own puke. I know it's effecting my life when  I tell my son I will do something and I don't follow Thur. I know it consumes me when I am lying to people around me. When I am sick for 3 day in a row.

The real reason I don't drink during the week is because I can't get drunk, because I won't stop drinking and then I'll call sick into work. I'll take days off to drink. I'll be homeless on the streets. I am scared where I am headed. I know that before I even really focus on my weight loss journey I have to stop drinking. I am not going to achieve any of my goals or dreams if I don't quit drinking. I can't be there for my son.  Last night my son said " My Mom are you drinking"I had to tell him the truth and when the words came out of my mouth I started to cry and my 7 year old son gave me a kiss on the forehead and said " I need you to be sober" I can't find it in me to stop drinking. I am lonely here in Seattle. My family is far away. My son lives with his Dad. Being in Spokane is so much different then in Seattle. In Spokane I have friends that will let me sit on there couch and help me deal with my lonely feeling and will hold my hand Thur this. I don't have that in Seattle and I'm afraid if I don't find it I will not get sober. I need help. I need help to get me jump started and I need help to live a sober life once again.

I'm not sure how to find happiness, or how to stop drinking,but I know that in order to truly lose the weight I need I have to stop drinking. I am not a weirdo. I am not crazy and I am not a loser,because I realized I have a problem with alcohol. It just means I have to do something about it and I am not sure really where to start. 

muffins, bagels, white flour good God!!!

Good Lord in the last 3 days I have consumed a great portion of white flour products let's see I've had, muffins, bagels, pita chips, sandwiches, tortillas, white rice, pasta and a cookie. I'm so bloated its gross. The more I am aware of the food I put in my mouth the more I realize that I have no idea how to eat healthy. I want to eat healthy, but I do not have an idea how to do it. So today when I came into work I ate a cup of granola with whole milk. I am not eating anymore white flour. I feel tired, my tummy hurts and I just feel like I am bogged down. Yesterday I did had a yummy green salad to my afternoon lunch. Thanks to my new friend Emma :) Yep that is also helping. I am being positive, surrounding my self with positive people who are also in the same place in life that I am. It is so important to me. I am also going to look for a mentor to help me with a meal plan and also a fitness plan!! I am going to post ad and I am also going to make a post on face book. I will let you guys know how that goes. I have been drinking lots and lots of water. I have cut down to one cup of coffee a day, I mean it's still two shots in the dark with cream and sugar, but I am not yet ready to change to something else.

I do eat 3 meals a day and have 2 snacks. I just do not eat healthy at all. I eat a carb overload. I barely eat any fruits or vegetables. I do not get my daily intake I don't even believe I eat 3 of each for the week. I know it's awful, but sugary, carb loaded, greasy food is fast, easy and taste o so good. I just  can't take it anymore tho. I went to McDonald's and they have how many calories are in a meal on the menu here in Seattle. I have made a vow never to eat there again and the same with Jack in the Box. Actually I am pretty sure, I will never eat fast food again...It is so gross that I have allowed my body to be filled with that shit for so long. I mean I need to have a little self respect. I can't just fill my body with shit food and except it to look beautiful and run 5 miles a day. My body does what it does with what it's fed.

I know it's only been 3 days, but i am following Thur with drinking water. I am proud of myself for doing this and taking the next step each day. I know this is going to be a beautiful, yet tough journey. I am glad that I am taking it and I am really happy to be me today!! Along with my food journal, drinking water and walking each day. I did not take a walk yesterday, but I will take one day for sure!!!

This is an article I read today about white bread
http://janicewhite.hubpages.com/hub/why-white-bread-is-bad-for-you